In the first couple sessions with Jeff and Susan they have provided a number of key issues that are complicating their marriage and keeping them from enjoying each other. The majority of which can be dealt with together within joint sessions, but the rather large issue with Susan relates to her previous relationship which could be dealt with more affectively in separate sessions. Jointly Jeff and Susan are experiencing issues with their personal friendship, communication, and leadership or gender roles, while Susan is struggling personally with holding onto the loss of her previous relationship, the sexual baggage that comes along with that and the sovereignty of God in whether she made a mistake marrying Jeff or not. These issues with Susan, while they eventually need to be brought back to the joint sessions, would more affectively be dealt with in one-on-one sessions, so Susan can feel as safe as possible to express herself without feeling like she will hurt Jeff in the process. Creating this safety and growing trust for Susan will be integral in dealing with the broader issues in their marriage.
The broader issues of their friendship, communication and leadership are unfortunately very common in young relationships especially ones with such short dating or courtships. It is clear that Jeff spends a lot of time traveling for business and Susan spends a lot of time with her friends, but they don’t seem to spend a great deal of time together. Without the essential element of togetherness it makes it difficult for them to build their friendship, address their issues of communicating affectively with one another and for Jeff to show leadership in their relationship. As homework, I would suggest that they each make a before and after calendar. The before should be done independently and show how they are presently spending their time during a typical week, while the after should be done together as they look for time to spend with one another. It will mean talking through what are their priorities with friends and work, and showing the other that they are a priority to each other. This is likely to create opportunities to address communication and personal conflict that arises from the homework, which will provide an opportunity in the following sessions to address their friendship, conflict resolution and communication skills. Finally, with Jeff especially, I would be encouraging decisiveness and leaning on Susan to make the decisions together as a couple. He will want to spend some time in personal study with Ephesians 5, Genesis 1-3, and 1 Timothy 3. These passages will lay a foundation for Biblical Manhood, which will in turn embolden Jeff to lovingly lead Susan in their relationship.
The more specific issues with Susan that need to be addresses in one-on-one sessions are grieving the loss of her past relationship and the “what if’s” that continue to haunt her thought life. First it is understandable and natural to grieve the loss of someone you care about, especially when entangled in pre-marital sexual relationship which only deepened her feelings and connections with the other man. We will need to untangle the complexity of her grief so she can discover what genuine pain is over the loss and what guilt is over the sinfulness of her sexual relationship. Susan needs an outlet to freely express the hurt and pain of losing someone she cared about, in celebrating his life, and to recognize that his life was meaningful. Second, she needs to recognize her need for repentance and to ask for forgiveness, so she can let go of any guilt that is holding her back from moving forward and giving herself to Jeff. Finally, Susan needs to put the “what if’s” into their proper perspective and not let them take hold in a fertile soil of discontent, but to see God’s sovereignty at work in her life leading her to the man she was to become one-flesh with, Jeff. Susan will want to spend time reflecting on Ephesians 5, Genesis 1-3 and Romans 8 to experience freedom in God’s work of creation, redemption and love. When she is ready, Susan, will be able to trust in God’s plan for her and thereby put her trust in Jeff to give herself over to him completely – in heart, mind, body and soul.
